Saturday, September 18, 2010

Review

This was written in Aug 2010

A year in review! This post has been a year in the making, which is only part of the reason it has taken so long to write down. So many changes.. a year ago I was living in the desert, now we live in the mountains, a year ago Moe was not talking, now she repeats the last word of every sentence I say. A year ago Curly was still home with me most of the day, now she walks to and from school with her big sister. A year ago Larry had all her teeth, now her face looks like a jack-o-lantern. But one of the biggest things that has changed this past year is how I see myself! Not as a completed project but as a work in progress! I am not as far along in my "healthy living journey" as I pictured I would be a year ago, but I would not change the things I have learned about myself for any amount of weight! Progress is as stands, I have parted with (I say "parted with" because saying "lost" implies that someday it may be found) a total of 30 lbs, and have gone down 2 dress sizes!

On to other affairs!
So after all my progress I still had to face my fears! Going to my high school reunions! How is it that 10 years have past, but so many of the same insecurities remain. I had promised myself that I would not give in and find an excuse not to go. It felt like when you see the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both giving their own advice except instead of a angel and devil I have a fat chick and a skinny bitch, both versions of myself! The fat chick kept saying "just stay home and make a big meal, you'll be so comfy with your butt in sweats in the couch". The skinny bitch told me I would never fit in the outfit I bought, so to prove her wrong I layed out every piece of shape wear I have and one by one put them on. It was scary..... I looked just as your imagining right now. Every part of me was pushed up or down and in. Sitting or breathing deep would be out of the question. So I was on to plan B, lots of make-up... Then I started to notice things that I feared others were gonna notice. If I lean real close to the mirror I can see wrinkles on my face. Plus my toe nails had chipy paint(women secretly judge eachother about that BTW). Then as I was putting on my bra, I found it..... I called my Mr. LbF and asked "baby, what does it mean if I found a long brown hair growing from next to my nipple?" he replied "nothing" so I asked " what does it mean if he brought a friend?" he replied "you may want to get that check out".
The reunion ended up being very low key and not worth all the sweat, tears and worry I put into it. When I went to another reunion and had such a good time I felt foolish for being so silly about it. The biggest lesson brings me comfort. After all this time my weight had no impact on anyone else's life what so ever.. No one is sitting up at night wondering if my thighs rub together when I walk.