Friday, March 18, 2011

She's gonna blow!

The term "Morning sickness" is total bull crap. I would love....just love... to only feel ill in the morning. In fact if I ever met the person who coined the phrase I would.....(censored).  It was most likely a man.

If you know me then you have known me pregnant/nursing. I have been pregnant for the last 85 years. A huge part of making a womb prize for me is puking and feeling like puking. I can get a wave of nausea from a stiff breeze. The other day I had to stop sweeping because watching the broom move so fast made me sick. This being my 38th pregnancy I have no short list of outrageous puke stories. Once when I was driving I had to pull over and open the door just in time. Another time I sat up in bed in the middle of the night. My friends and family all have their own stories of me. While vacationing in Kohln Germany, I jumped out of a taxi in front of the restaurant we were on the way to and leaned against a column out side the front door. The patrons leaving the restaurant commented I may of had my fill, they had no idea.
My husband walked in the front door and asked our then almost 2 year old Larry "where's Mommy?" Larry pointed toward the bathroom and said "blaaaaaaahhh". I have had to stop every road trip multiple times. Which no matter how understanding folks seem you know part of them just wants you to knock it off. It also brings back not so fond memories of summer camp. It was a curvy road up to the rafting point on the river and I was the poor fool that had to flip my biscuits in front of a whole bus of campers. They called me "Upchuck" the rest of the summer.
But of all my personal vomit stories no one takes the cake like my dear friend CV! It started with a road trip that sounded like such a good idea. Minivan, 4 small children, she is pregnant and we are pulling a u-haul trailer. We went to visit a dear friend and pick up some furniture for CV. The trip was mostly smooth, but we did learn 2 lessons, glow sticks can be bitten open and it will make the roof of a van and the inside if a toddlers mouth glow. And that two ladies should not go far off the beaten path for gas no matter how tough they think they are. So we had a great visit and the last day we are loading up the u-haul. CV cant lift the heavy bedroom set so our friend and I take on this task as CV stays inside with all 7 kids. We are just about done when CV comes out of the house looking pale and as if something awful had happen. It had. Worried we ask and then she describes the events something like this... She knew one of the kids had a dirty diaper and discovered it was my Curly. So she set up on the floor to change her and got half way through when the smell just became to much for her.  Frantically looking around for a receptacle she grew desperate. In a split second decision she puked right into the open dirty diaper in her hand. The best part is she folded it up and went on changing the diaper! What a great friend! When she came out to tell us we could not stop laughing. I am sure she regrets repeating the event to us because I know I have not let her forget it.
This pregnancy I thought if I could just ignore the nausea, or even rebuke the devil that I may have a chance of a peaceful first trimester. But like clock work it hit me like a ton of bricks. Cooking is almost out of the question because after a while the sight of any food makes my stomach turn. My sweet kids are so patient with me. The fact that they had raviolis from the can and a hard boiled egg for dinner does not seem to bother them. In fact Larry seems to have grown a little to comfortable. We are eating out more so I don't have to cook and tonight I told her I was cooking and she said "are you sure we cant go out to eat, you look awfully tired".
I have a feeling that before this phase of the pregnancy is over I may have to pull out the "deployment card" and get a few meals out of the local support! Is it rude to ask for help if my only real excuse is that the thought of looking in the fridge makes me cry?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Addicted

My breasts are sore, the smell of lunch meat makes me nauseated and at any point during the day I could cry while laughing. Yes you guessed it, I am the wife of a deployed soldier. Oh and I am pregnant. We in the Army call this an R+R baby. Which stands for "what the hell were they thinking?". So in blog talk here is the best answer to that question.
Mr. LbF and I have always done our best to keep the Army as his "job" and what goes on behind our front door our "real life". Even as a commander he was changing yucky diapers and eating a small piece of cake so everyone got one. These things are not a sacrifice for him. My dear friend Megan said the other day that when my husband is home with his kids he is "in his element". The title "Daddy" is his highest honor. In short we are addicted to our kids. They are the coolest thing we will ever do together.

If you had told me 10 years ago I would have 4 kids, I would have spat in your face. So to be having our 4th child I have gone through many changes. For instance my standards have declined in most things. I wake up fully expecting to be puked, peed or sneezed on. That way if I go to bed at night dry, it was an even better day!

Let's make a few things clear.

No, we are not a part of an organized religion that encourages litters.

Yes, we know how this happens. All Mr. LbF has to do it seems is leave his combat boots on my side of the bed.

No, we are not "going for the boy". We know it will most likely be another girl and we are cool with that.

And most importantly we are not having lots of kids because we just love kids. In fact I find most other peoples kids to be quite annoying. I will never be part of a babysitting co-op. Standing in a pre-school for too long makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Just because you're under three feet tall and 2 years old, does not exempt you from being an asshole.

And if it seems that I have put my kids on some kind of pedestal then you would be absolutely correct. And why not? This world can and will be hard! They will be exposed to evil at some point. But not on my watch. I consider my children my life's work!
As for making the decision to be pregnant while my husband is deployed, well I don't know what the hell we were thinking...