Friday, January 25, 2013

Big decision, tiny incision

Today Moe was playing sweetly singing a song about her vagina and came to ask me a question. After already living through 2 other four year olds questions I was not surprised to hear her ask "girls parts is called a Gina what is boy's called?" I answered as I always have. "It is called a penis". You will get nothing but the truth when it comes to this area around here. I have 3 daughters that are being taught that God gave them the gift of being girls. That means they have come with certain parts called vaginas. With this gift we must take very good care of it by keeping it high, tight, and clean.  I have never wanted to confuse them with silly names like who-who, or titi. You can't push a human out of a peepee! There is power in the parts so Vagina it is!
When it comes to boy parts I am sure we will follow suit and use the dictionary name. I have however taken a poll on what my friends who have boys call it and not two family's use the same name. Junk, pecker, nuts, willy, wammers, po po. No wonder boys have their hands in their pants so much. When you say there is a ding ding and apple bags down there I want to play too!

Boy parts proved to be a mystery to me right away. Mr. LbF changed Shemp quite often in the beginning so by the time I came face to parts with him in broad day light he was a few days old. Does that sound a little braggy? Well, so be it... Anyway there I was, tiny man parts staring up at me. As I went to wipe his undercarriage I was startled by an abnormality. My perfect child had a very distinct line running from his ball sack to his brown eyed monkey. Scared, I called to my husband. He came running and joined me eye to eye 3 inches from the horizontal concern. As soon as he saw what the worry was over, he had a chuckle and said "honey that is his taint".
"Oh my gosh he is tainted? What do we do about it" I asked.

"Nothing, it is supposed to be there, all guys have it."

"Prove it." I demanded.... so he did. And then he said "All the time you have spent down there you never noticed?" Not to be out done I answered "Well excuse me for being a lady, I keep my eyes closed."

Just to make sure I called my friend and neighbor Kim who has 3 boys and she informed me that yes every boy has one and not only that but there is a song her teenager could recite to me if I would like. I declined but remained curious.
Then she said "all the time you have spent down there and you never noticed?".

What is it with these people?....

My very good friend, lets call him Jon not because I am trying to mask his identity but because that is his name went into grave detail explaining his vasectomy to me. Moments of this story could have scared a 17 year old boy into putting off sex for years. But all I felt after he was done is that I could most likely pull one off myself. Mr. LbF insisted that the issue was not up for discussion as a DIY project and would remain off my pinterest board of "must try's".
The big day for the little incision came on a Friday of a long weekend. We had discussed the choice till we were both blue in the balls... um face. All the necessary preparations were done. Our good friends Anne and Clint even brought Mr. LbF a sympathy card and gift bag filled with frozen peas. He unwrapped 2 large family pack bags and I turned to him and said "look Babe Anne thinks very highly of you."

Another close girlfriend warned against the use of frozen corn. Apparently when it thaws out fiesta mix and flaccid is a wicked combination.

I did not get to hold his hand during the procedure because they have these poor guys in and out in under 20 min. They told us they do 3 to 5 every Friday on post.
Recovery went smoothly and after his first day back to work he hobbled in the front door walked straight to the freezer and shoved a bag of peas down the front of his pants. On day 2 of this routine as he closed the freezer door he looked down at  Moe who had a look of shock on her little face. "Daddy did you put peas into your pants?". I quickly explained it was for him to get all better from the Dr. visit he had. By day 4 he had recovered. When he got home from work and was standing in the kitchen filling me in on his day. Moe came running in and asked "Daddy do you need to put peas in your butt crack to feel better?"

I am sure someday my sweet angel of a boy will sing a little song about his parts as well, I just pray it is not the Taint song.