Friday, February 8, 2013

Do As I Say Not As I Do


I was on the phone with my Mom and within 3 sentences I spelled out a four letter word and then dropped the f-bomb. Confused she said "the kids must not be around." I said "no, they are downstairs." She asked "then why did you spell out the four letter word and not the f-bomb?"
"I spelled out the first one? Man, I don't even know when I am doing that. I wonder how often in public with adults I defer to my ABC's for my choice words?".
I should start with the fun fact that I learned how to swear from my Mother. A fact I am sure she is cringing about while she reads this. My Mom is and was a hard working DIY'er before there was the term DIY. Back then she just called it Do It Because It Needs To Be Done. I guess that would be DIBINTBD'er. By her side I learned how to re-wire a lamp, hang sheet rock, hammer a nail straight the first time, use plumber's tape, and unleash the frustration, under your breath. I also remember many a night I would fall asleep to the hum of a sewing machine and the sharp mumble of "Piece of sh......".
I did not catch on to the art of profanities till I was an adult and even then I stumbled. At age 19 in a group that was laughing at someones expense I played along and smugly said "yeah that guy is so SOL, sorta outta luck.". It took 2 seconds for them to realize that I really did think the S stood for sorta. The joke was then, as it should be, on me.
When we were pregnant with Larry, our oldest, I was obsessed with what she was doing all day inside me and read everything I could get my hands on about my developing fetus. I set the deadline that when she had developed the sense of hearing that we, meaning I had talked Mr. LbF into this craziness, would stop cussing. Without ever skipping a beat Mr. LbF has never muttered another obscenity in our home again. Going cold turkey was not so easy for me. In conversation I would slip in a quick blight and he would shoot me the evil eye and point at my belly. I created a monster and it had turned on me. At some point I did find out that he was cheating and cursing while at work. When I challenged him he explained that as a soldier speaking to other soldiers he had to talk in a language they would understand. Apparently when you tell a young soldier he made an oopsy and needs to think about his actions it does not have the same affect as saying he f@$ked up and will now set that sh!t straight.
I have yet to curb my potty mouth.
Some people have found it alarming when they hear that I cuss when I pray. But I figure that the Lord already knows what I am gonna say before I even say it so trying to edit is a waste of time. I find it important to edit in front of children. I secretly judge people that cuss like sailors no matter who is around and have even been the crazy lady that leans over to strangers pointing out that my kids can hear the trash falling out of their face. I am oddly proud of that.

Even spelling the words out backfires when you least expect it. I recently spelled out a word and turned around to see Curly standing behind me with her eyes as big as dinner plates. I walked past her saying "so glad to see Power Reading is working out for you kid.".

In our home shut-up and stupid remain "bad" words and I will ride that out as long as I can. Larry came home from school and said a boy had gotten in trouble for saying the "H" word. I gave her a free pass to tell me what she thought he had said. She explained that is why she had told me because she had no idea what the "H" word was, and was hoping I would tell her. I told her my best guess was that it stood for hairyhinnyhippos. For the rest of dinner as a family we came up with combination H words that we were sure had landed the boy in Hot water.

After Mr. LbF got home from deployment we were driving and found that the store we were hoping to go in to, was in fact open. Larry, who was age 2 at the time, squealed in delight "YEA, DAMMIT!"
As her Mother, when it is her turn I will share the art of reupholstering a dining room chair and a well placed expletive.