Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Eighteen to life

HELP! I AM BEING HELD PRISONER! (Not a genuine emergency)




Don't be fooled by my warden's size and smooth smile. He speaks a language I do not understand and only gets what he wants by pointing and screaming at me.

I am forced to wear clothing covered in snot, drool, and the leftover remnants of what ever my keeper had to eat last. I know it must be the uniform of this prison because within minutes of having on a clean shirt I am sneezed on.

When I place a peace offering of food in front of him at his throne he takes what he wants and then pitches the rest at the floor and I am forced to clean it up.

My pint size jailer refuses to walk and requires I carry him everywhere, until my arms fall asleep and my back hurts.

He has tactfully separated me from all my single friends and made it seem like I have nothing in common with them anymore.

One of his many ploys of control is sleep deprivation. I start out the night thinking I am going to get to sleep all night and then by surprise my presence is demanded in his chambers.

There are locks on the fridge, stove, and cabinet doors. He follows me everywhere even into the bathroom.

As punishment for something I must be doing wrong he goes around undoing everything I have just done. He knocks over piles of freshly folded laundry or pulls all the books off the shelf onto the floor.

The challenges get greater as he seems to wake up smarter everyday. He can also sense when my defenses are down and exploits my weaknesses to his cutie-pie face.

The greatest trick this coy overseer has played on me is that he has charmed me into falling in love with him. Even with the prison doors wide open I am blinded by joy just to hear him laugh.

Please come rescue me! Oh and bring bananas, His Royal Majesty requires bananas.