Thursday, February 28, 2013

What to Expect: Your 30's Edition

I think my anti-wrinkle cream is actually hair growth fertilizer. I've been in my 30's for only two years and can't believe the crap that is happening to my body. Why did no one tell me this was gonna happen. All any of my older friends said to me was "Just wait..."!

I knew about the time frame my baby would be ready for solid foods or when my toddler would take their first step, because of two things. Everyone who has ever had kids would not shut up about it. And there was the book, What to Expect When Your Expecting, followed by What to Expect the Toddler Years! At any point in my kids development I could turn to page whatever and see a guide on what to watch for and look forward to!

My question is, where is the freaking book for the gal that just turned 30? There is plenty of stuff to write about! I am currently a wealth of information and I have only been going through this for 2 years.
I should be able to open the book, and reference by the weeks. Here is how it should read:

Your 32 years and 1 week:
In this eventful week you may be experiencing some hair sprouting up in unexpected places. Do yourself a favor and invest in good quality steel reinforced tweezers. Spend the money for the "good ones" as this tool will become your go to gadget as hairs begin to pop out of places they never have before. Look for these unfriendly follicles under your first chin but not quite to your second. Around your left and right nipples. Be sure to lift up and pull out your breast from your body as some hairs may be hiding. Try hanging upside down off the end of your bed, with one hand holding the magnifying mirror. With the other move your breasts out from your armpit. Pluck all unwanted guests, repeat as needed.

Your 32 years and 2 weeks:
Do not be alarmed this week as you begin to notice your ass is not where you left it at age 29. Also know that your butt is not actually bigger this week, it is just that your back fat and upper cheeks have began the wedding dance and by the time you are 40 they will have mated and become one. This week you must make the decision whether or not to invest in Mom Jeans. These nifty pants have been designed to stuff in all that you are packin'. Don't be alarmed by the 12 inch zipper in front, by the time you get used to it you will be making the move to elastic banded waist pants anyway.

Your 32 years and 3 weeks:
The checker at the grocery store, your bartender, and your waitress will all suddenly look 12 years old to you. Please refrain from referring to them as Sweetie or Honey. They are actually in their 20s. That is what you looked like too. Don't hate them, hate grows wrinkles. (See chapter 35 week 4 for more on Eyesight).

Your 32 years and 4 weeks:
Water and lotion are your friends. That supple skin you had in your 20's is a thing of the past. All the laying out on the beach and time in tanning beds you spent is coming back to bite you in your butt. You will be thirsty all the time. You will also need to invest in a multitude of lotions for every part of your body. Try pinching your upper eyelid, if it does not spring back into place you need to find a giant barrel and fill it half way up with lotion, coconut oil, oatmeal and any other quick fix cream on the market. Get into the barrel and spend as much time in there as you can, while drinking 10 glasses of water. This will buy you at least a year until you are complaining that you can feel a storm coming because your hands are so dry.

Your 32 years and 5 weeks:
Now is the time you need to start thinking about your yearly well women exam. (Read these references before your appointment: Hormone-monster, Mamo-what, KY spells Fun) 

Your 32 and 6 weeks:
The answer is YES, you would much rather watch Scandal on TV then have sex. Your drop in libido is a natural state that will reset itself when you get over the fact that you are now a 30 something with dry eyes, a droopy ass, rough elbows and hair on your left nipple.


I am sure that more chapter ideas will come to me. And being the good friend that I am I will fill you in on all the wonderful details. Right after I go wax my chins.