Sunday, March 31, 2013


Today could have looked like this:

While running late to church I found myself in the storage room upside down in a plastic tub digging through hand me downs. I was looking for Easter dresses that might, just might fit any of the girls in the size that they are today.

I struggled to get a comb through 5 heads of bedhead hair.

Tried to dress in something that made me look like I was overjoyed it was the day of the resurrection and not the day I saw the biggest number on the scale I have ever seen.

Stuffed 2 french toast stick in my cheeks and washed it down with coffee on the way to climb into a filthy minivan.

Peeled Moe off my leg in children's church.

Watched as a sandwich baggie exploded Kix all over the floor of the sanctuary. Not `Mother Approved` in that moment. Had to crawl across the floor to pick them all up so no one crunched when they stood to sing.

Curly brought the Pastor's wife into the sanctuary in the middle of the message to find me and get the keys so she could get her Easter basket out of the car. Embarrassed, I went with them to make sure I got my keys back from Curly.

After I made lunch I lost my cool and yelled at kids to clean up after themselves, because doing everything myself is making me go crazy.

Washed poopy panties out in the toilet.

Cleaned up from lunch, started making dinner all by myself.

Poured too much milk into mashed potatoes, turned them into potato soup. Tried to cook off some of the liquid and got attacked by hot potatoes.

Ran out of frosting while decorating Mr. LbF's birthday cake. Could not finish one side. Half done cake summed the day up perfectly.... or did it?

I choose to look at today and see:

Woke up on Easter morning healthy, not thin, but healthy.

My family were all glad to see me. Baby squealed in delight when he laid eyes on me.

Dressed my kids in clean clothes. Combed through their thick healthy hair.

Drove to church in our reliable vehicle. Got to church just in time to hear the band play music that praised Jesus.

Blessed enough to have something to put in the offering basket.

Took advantage of the fact we go to a church that has a nursery that feeds them snack. Took Shemp and his Kix.

Met the pastor's wife.

Fixed a meal I love to eat on Easter. Egg salad sandwiches.

Watched my husband chase our kids with water guns in the backyard, while I got to play in my kitchen alone.

Handled a situation with Moe without raising my voice, while I washed out poopy panties (no sugar coating that).

Prepared my husband's favorite meal for his birthday. Fed runny potatoes to my family without them noticing or saying a thing.

Laughed with my husband, till we were leaning on each other so we did not fall over, at how silly half his birthday cake looked.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Breaking News

Some people hear voices in their heads. I hear headlines. Or rather my brain reads headlines. No matter the situation, from cooking to driving I can hear exactly how the headline would read if my actions or thoughts turned into the Day's Top Story.

While cooking a meal for a family who just had a baby: 
Good deed gone bad, Women poisons family with chicken casserole

In regards to my kids: 
Screaming Toddler found abandoned in shopping cart, Mother located at Starbucks  

Or how about the odd news of the day:
Child chokes on condom wrapper, Nasty parents questioned

When I am pregnant I hear headlines like: 
Woman defies all odds and stays pregnant forever 
Baby born looking nothing like either parent

I find most of the time when I am hearing headlines it is my greatest fears playing out in bold print. When Mr. LbF is deployed my brain reads: 
Fallen Hero 
Followed the next day with: 
Local Woman dies of broken heart

Right after I catch my kids doing something stupid the headline flashes through my head:
Four year old glues hand to face

Sometimes it is like one of those choose your own adventure books where you can fill in the blank with whatever awful outcome comes to mind. 
Mother writing blog while child thought to be sleeping, child was (fill in dangerous activity ie: ingesting something toxic, falling from high point, talking to stranger, juggling chainsaws)

Sometimes I need to correct my lovely children's behavior in public. I know that I am gonna be the lucky Mother that goes viral because I thought my minivan's windows were a darker tint then it shows through with a camera phone. The tag line will read:
No Swagger in this Wagon

While working out I hear:
Woman found unconscious at base of treadmill, own breast to blame
Gym burns down, Thighs rubbing together found to be ignition point
Neighborhood alarmed by screams, woman found stuck in yoga pose
Woman claiming to be "Bringing Sexy Back", asked to please leave it where she found it

Hearing the headlines does work out in my favor sometimes. When I look at my husband I can hear:
Veteran honored for selfless service
Couple celebrates 50th wedding anniversary, still madly in love
Man given medal for being Year's most patient husband

Having this gift does come with benefits. I can read high school honor roll lists and see my kid's names. Their collage graduation and wedding announcements. Closing my eyes, our lives pass through in black and white print. Where we have been and where we are going.  Even my deepest dreams:
Book Release, Living by Faith author Faith Bomar

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Liebster Award

I don't think I could get more excited right now! Stacey Gannett has nominated me for the Liebster award! Living by Faith will wear it with pride and I will do my best! Here I go:

What is the Liebster Award? This award is given to blogs with less than 200 followers. There are certain criteria that must be met in order to continue sharing this award with other bloggers. It's sort of a fun chain letter that helps bloggers connect, discover new blogs, and support one another because blogging is tough business.

Here are the rules a recipient should follow:
  1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves
  2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 new questions for the blogger's you pass the award to
  3. Choose 11 new blogger's (with less than 200 followers) and pass the award (and link) to them in your post.
  4. Go to their page and tell them about the award.
  5. No tag backs.

11 Random Facts about me: (All totally true)

1. I prefer my tp to roll from the top.
2. Most raw veggies make my mouth itch.
3. When I see a clean q-tip I have to use it.. have to..
4. I loved being a waitress.
5. I lose my keys every single day without fail.
6. Most of the time I laugh at my jokes more then anyone else.
7. I see a celebrity in TV and think if we met in real life we would be friends, because they would love me.
8. I can make any hat look good, but don't really wear hats. It's my super power ask my friends.
9. I have all my own power tools and know how to use them.
10. I dance better when I think someone is watching.
11. I work best under pressure, and remain calm in emergency situations, but I'm a hot mess later.

Questions I was asked to answer:

1. How long have you been blogging?
I have been blogging since 2009 on a very sporadic basis but picked up the pace this year!

2. What are your hobbies?
Not to sound totally corny but telling stories through my blog is my number one hobby right now. I may also dabble a bit in cooking and bargain shopping.

3. How many children do you have or would like to have?
We are blessed with 17 children. OK maybe not, but some days the 4 we do have feels like 17.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Right now I am totally digging Scandal but staying true to my Grey's. I also am a fan of Happy Endings and a closet fan of Duck Dynasty.

5. What is your favorite color?

What ever color makes me look less fat. I like gray/black in the Winter and white/yellow in the Summer, green in the Spring and red in the Fall.

6. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

So hard yet so easy to answer. I want to live where ever my husband is. We have lived apart so much that it does not matter the place, as long as when I lay my head down at night I am looking at his. 

7. Do you have any pets?

We have a dog and a cat, all American pets.

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
If only I had the guts, I would have tattoos all over my body. From 1/4 sleeves of flowers to birds in flight on my neck. I appreciate good body art but only have 2. My nose ring and one tattoo.

9. What is your favorite desert?

Buttered pancake wrapped around a snickers bar, deep fried with powered sugar, an espresso chip ice cream sundae extra whip cream drizzled with chocolate sauce on the side. Served with a latte, non-fat of course.

10. Are you a night or a day person?

I am a night person imprisoned in a day persons body. I can tell you, without a doubt that if I had any idea of how much sleep I would NOT be getting as a Mother, I would rethink the whole thing.... Sometimes on a Saturday after serving breakfast with the sunrise, hubby and I sneak back into bed and pretend we are back in the days of not getting out of bed except to pee and grab food to bring back into the bed. Then `they` find us... and eat our food. So we tickle them and fill our morning with baby giggles.

11. What is your favorite Season?

My favorite season is not a season but the few weeks that happen in between them all. I love right before spring when we still get snow but the trees have buds. And at the end of summer when it starts to fade into fall and the first leaves turn. It is still hot in the day but the air turns crisp by dark. I love when you can stand outside and close your eyes and feel the change in the air! For the best is yet to come!!

Nominated blogs:
Pary Moppins
Life with the frog
Kimberly Montgomery
Meredith Carey
Mrs. Frickstar
High bounce ball
Daddy knows less
Kim Kravitz
Crazy little love birds
Caffeinated army wife

11 Questions for Nominated Blogs:

1. What are the top 3 things you search for on the Internet?
2. Would you rather go out on a date somewhere fancy or casual?
3. Diamonds of pearls?
4. Would you rather give time or money to charity?
5. How would you get gum out of hair?
6. Would you change the story of how you met your spouse?
7. If your blog turned into a TV talk show who would be your first guests?
8. Does counting to 10 calm you down?
9. If you had to sell something door to door what would it be?
10. What would be your super hero name?
11. What are you wearing right now as you type?

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Lost in Translation

Being pregnant is a magical time to learn about your own body. When birthing, you learn how every hole in your body really works.

Before I gave birth to Larry, our first born, I wrote up the perfect Birth Plan. In this plan it stated that I wanted as few people as possible to enter the delivery room. I did not know that in the small print I should have put a asterisk next to 'delivery room' and had it also mean  'vagina'. I can only speak to my own experience and that is what I will do.
After so many hours of natural labor that my eyes were semi-permanently crossed, I had any number of strangers not only wander into the delivery room but also stick their finger up my business to "check". One of them may have been the janitor!

We lived in Germany for pregnancy number two. There was no point in bringing up the Birth Plan, no one at the hospital could read English anyway. Plus it had not really done me any favors at the last birth.

European standards of care differ in the following way, modesty is completely out the window.

I was lucky enough for my prenatal care to get a Dr that spoke fairly good English. She was a kind  lady that stood about 4 feet tall and just about as round. For nine months I exchanged pleasantries with her and never figured out how to say her name. We just called her Dr. Soyonshafersonn. She was Turkish and did the best she could to explain everything using picture pamphlets and talking with her hands. I was so glad it was my 2nd baby and I had a pretty good idea of where they came out, some of the pamphlets were not so clear.

When I went to see Dr. Soyonfafershin it was customary to hang your coat at the door and drop your pants by the window. At that point the appointment went as follows: walk half naked across the room to the extra tall exam table. Use the step stool provided and take a seat on the crinkly paper. Lie back when instructed and hoist your heels into the outstretched stirrups. Slide your rump to the end of the table and get it as close to the smiling foreigner's face as you can. An equally sweet mannered nurse then hands a very goopy internal ultrasound wand to the seated Dr and lickety split a picture of your womb, from the inside out, comes up on the screen next to your head. For a split second everything going on around you fades away and all you will focus on is the jumping bean on the TV (insert happy tears). As quick as it began, so it ends. You are handed an inadequate amount of tissue for cleaning up down below and told to meet the Dr. in 4 weeks.

I had one of these easy visits with Dr. Soyyononsafiom coming up and asked my dear friend Erika to join me to share in the magic. I warned her of the naked walk and the wand but she agreed to come anyway, because that is what dear friends do.

So there I am with legs in position. I can't see past my huge belly from lying on my back. Smiling foreigner's face disappears between my knees. Dear friend Erika is seated near my head and politely looking out the window. Jumping bean appears on the TV and we Ooh and Aah. At this point Dr. Soyionshaffersion stands on her toes looking past my belly to my face and says something about doing a check for bacteria. She held up a giant cotton swab and demonstrated in the air a quick swiping motion. Trying to keep the moment light hearted as it was a second ago, I jokingly said "Oh we don't allow bacteria at our house." Immediately the nurse began to chatter in German to the Dr. which prompts her to stop what she is doing and get up from the stool. Looking right at me she pats my leg reassuringly and says in her best English "I um did not mean to, um imply, that you havin` the sex of the anus." There was no coming back from this. Holding myself up on my elbows, I tried as hard as I could to explain that I was making a joke about bacteria, not freaky sex. Erika could not stop shaking she was laughing so hard. At that point the only thing not lost in translation was where the cotton swab was headed.

Amazingly enough that magical appointment was the last one Erika went to.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Animation fixation

First thing this morning I took a hard look at the TV programs that consume our early morning. Here is my take on a few of the characters and what to do if you run across them in real life.

If you run into Dora the Explorer you have no choice but to stick with this boxy haired bitch, she has the freaking map. But prepare your self, you are in for a long journey. She can never seem to get from point A to point B with out asking stupid questions and jumping over something. She also has a monkey who wears boots. Never trust anyone who puts shoes on animals.

Stay away from Special Agent Oso. This guy cant even blow bubbles without a multi step program.

Mickey Mouse and his crew may invite you in to their Clubhouse but be warned I think it may actually be the front for their cult and the clubhouse is really a compound. Don't drink anything that a giant hand that comes out of the floor tries to serve you.

Angelina Ballerina is a whinny bitch, but she will do very well for herself. However it will only be by pirouetting on the backs of others and most likely sleeping her way to the top.

If you run into the Little Einstein's your most likely a baby animal and your most likely lost. If you can put up with spontaneous song and dance, stick with this crew and they will get you back to where you came from. However they usually run into a big blue jet , he is kind of a dick. Watch out for him.

The Backyardigans do acid. Nobody's back yard is that fun. Stay away from them.

Jake and the Neverland Pirates are just wannabe lost boys. Jake has little man complex. They are always gathering gold but you never see them buy anything. Also they give you credit for helping them earn all the doubloons,  I have yet to see my cut. Crooks, report if seen.

The only group that would be remotely cool to hang out with would be the Yo Gabba Gabba crew. However this show really is made for adults. You can't tell me that a dude in an unitard, a dancing pink flower, a freaking robot, and a giant ribbed dildo with eyes, was not the brainchild of someone doing more then just teaching the color green!

Blue from Blue's Clues, needs to stop playing all the games and get to the f*@king point. No one likes someone so passive aggressive. Just walk away.

I sat drinking my coffee staring at the TV with total disdain. And then something happened. The characters on the screen slowly started to transform. They danced and sang and somehow became cute, even endearing. I went to sip my coffee and glanced in the mug at nothing, it was gone. I looked around and the sun was now shining, birds were singing, my kids were charming. It was in that moment I decided it might be a good idea to keep the coffee maker next to the bed.

Correction: It has been brought to the the authors attention that the Yo Gabba Gabba character in this story that is referred to as `ribbed` is in fact `studded`. The author promises to do her homework in regards to this subject.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Get low low low

From her booster car seat, Moe starts cracking up and says "Mama did you see that man that had his pants down? I could see his underpants hahahahaha".  I glanced just in time out the back window to see a guy sagging his jeans and I wondered if he knew what a joke he looked like to my very wise 4 year old child.

The acts of adults must really make kids wonder sometimes. At 5 years old Curly went up to a soldier and asked him if he knew that smoking was "gonna get you dead". She is also the child that during the food plate program they are teaching at school, told her teacher her mother did not feed her right. She brought the poster with the picture of the food groups on it home and started comparing every meal I placed in front of her. The poster disappeared over night. I have not the faintest idea where it went.
On this same subject, there was a news program that was promoting a segment and the commercial posed the question "Are the size of our plates contributing to the problems with obesity in our country?" Larry, ever so concerned, turned to me and asked "Mama, did our plates make you fat?" I answered "No bitch, it was you!". Ok, I did not say that.....out loud.

My friend Erika says it is about the age of 10 that kids start to get their own ideas of what is a good idea. I think that may be because her oldest is now 10.

In a conversation I had today it was said that kids have formed their personalities by the time they are 5 years old. So all the time I was thinking was practice, it turns out was the test. I wonder what the mother of that guy on the street did when he was 3 to make him think it is a good idea to wear his clothes half off in public.