Thursday, March 7, 2013

Animation fixation

First thing this morning I took a hard look at the TV programs that consume our early morning. Here is my take on a few of the characters and what to do if you run across them in real life.

If you run into Dora the Explorer you have no choice but to stick with this boxy haired bitch, she has the freaking map. But prepare your self, you are in for a long journey. She can never seem to get from point A to point B with out asking stupid questions and jumping over something. She also has a monkey who wears boots. Never trust anyone who puts shoes on animals.

Stay away from Special Agent Oso. This guy cant even blow bubbles without a multi step program.

Mickey Mouse and his crew may invite you in to their Clubhouse but be warned I think it may actually be the front for their cult and the clubhouse is really a compound. Don't drink anything that a giant hand that comes out of the floor tries to serve you.

Angelina Ballerina is a whinny bitch, but she will do very well for herself. However it will only be by pirouetting on the backs of others and most likely sleeping her way to the top.


If you run into the Little Einstein's your most likely a baby animal and your most likely lost. If you can put up with spontaneous song and dance, stick with this crew and they will get you back to where you came from. However they usually run into a big blue jet , he is kind of a dick. Watch out for him.


The Backyardigans do acid. Nobody's back yard is that fun. Stay away from them.

Jake and the Neverland Pirates are just wannabe lost boys. Jake has little man complex. They are always gathering gold but you never see them buy anything. Also they give you credit for helping them earn all the doubloons,  I have yet to see my cut. Crooks, report if seen.

The only group that would be remotely cool to hang out with would be the Yo Gabba Gabba crew. However this show really is made for adults. You can't tell me that a dude in an unitard, a dancing pink flower, a freaking robot, and a giant ribbed dildo with eyes, was not the brainchild of someone doing more then just teaching the color green!

Blue from Blue's Clues, needs to stop playing all the games and get to the f*@king point. No one likes someone so passive aggressive. Just walk away.

I sat drinking my coffee staring at the TV with total disdain. And then something happened. The characters on the screen slowly started to transform. They danced and sang and somehow became cute, even endearing. I went to sip my coffee and glanced in the mug at nothing, it was gone. I looked around and the sun was now shining, birds were singing, my kids were charming. It was in that moment I decided it might be a good idea to keep the coffee maker next to the bed.


Correction: It has been brought to the the authors attention that the Yo Gabba Gabba character in this story that is referred to as `ribbed` is in fact `studded`. The author promises to do her homework in regards to this subject.