Friday, March 22, 2013

Breaking News

Some people hear voices in their heads. I hear headlines. Or rather my brain reads headlines. No matter the situation, from cooking to driving I can hear exactly how the headline would read if my actions or thoughts turned into the Day's Top Story.

While cooking a meal for a family who just had a baby: 
Good deed gone bad, Women poisons family with chicken casserole

In regards to my kids: 
Screaming Toddler found abandoned in shopping cart, Mother located at Starbucks  

Or how about the odd news of the day:
Child chokes on condom wrapper, Nasty parents questioned

When I am pregnant I hear headlines like: 
Woman defies all odds and stays pregnant forever 
or
Baby born looking nothing like either parent

I find most of the time when I am hearing headlines it is my greatest fears playing out in bold print. When Mr. LbF is deployed my brain reads: 
Fallen Hero 
Followed the next day with: 
Local Woman dies of broken heart




Right after I catch my kids doing something stupid the headline flashes through my head:
Four year old glues hand to face

Sometimes it is like one of those choose your own adventure books where you can fill in the blank with whatever awful outcome comes to mind. 
Mother writing blog while child thought to be sleeping, child was (fill in dangerous activity ie: ingesting something toxic, falling from high point, talking to stranger, juggling chainsaws)

Sometimes I need to correct my lovely children's behavior in public. I know that I am gonna be the lucky Mother that goes viral because I thought my minivan's windows were a darker tint then it shows through with a camera phone. The tag line will read:
No Swagger in this Wagon

While working out I hear:
Woman found unconscious at base of treadmill, own breast to blame
Gym burns down, Thighs rubbing together found to be ignition point
Neighborhood alarmed by screams, woman found stuck in yoga pose
Woman claiming to be "Bringing Sexy Back", asked to please leave it where she found it

Hearing the headlines does work out in my favor sometimes. When I look at my husband I can hear:
Veteran honored for selfless service
Couple celebrates 50th wedding anniversary, still madly in love
Man given medal for being Year's most patient husband

Having this gift does come with benefits. I can read high school honor roll lists and see my kid's names. Their collage graduation and wedding announcements. Closing my eyes, our lives pass through in black and white print. Where we have been and where we are going.  Even my deepest dreams:
Book Release, Living by Faith author Faith Bomar