Wednesday, December 18, 2013


  So I tried spray tan today..yes you can chuckle if you like. I have looked into getting one before but the one I learned about was a lady with a can of spray paint. OK maybe not a can of paint but she did bring a airbrush gun and a compressor. She also said she would bring a large tarp to hang up for me to stand naked in front of. As soon as she said she would make sure to get all the nooks and crannies, I lost interest. This time I made my way to a real tanning salon. I walked in and asked the perky 17 year old  behind the counter if the spray machine was idiot proof. After paying her way to much money for something I was sure to screw up she walked me through the steps and assured me that the machine would give me clear instructions the whole time.. she was a liar.

  I stood naked in the talking phone booth and braced for impact. Arms out to my sides but not bent, legs far apart for my thighs not to touch... found out fast that the phone booth was not wide enough. Who measures for these things? Chin up but not enough to make that crease on the back of your neck. I sucked in my tummy like I do when I step up on the scale. As with the scale, it did not help.

  The First pass of the spray took my breath away. The paint was cold and for just a second I lost my perfect form. Before the machine could pass again it told me to change to position two... I opened one eye to look at the position poster.. Crap..... the positions poster did not have numbers... I quickly choose one and struck a pose. Six more passes and countless positions including a few I learned on a yoga video.  The machine told me I was done and to step out. I wiped off the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands with the complimentary cloths, that turned out to be baby wipes.

  I took a moment to stare at myself in the floor length mirror to admire my purchase. Somehow even with step by step instructions I managed to miss a big part of my left arm. Then I raised my arms and noticed the best part. Having nursed four babies my nipples retreated in protest making a mad dash for my kneecaps, where they died. I picked one up and then the other. There was a perfect outline of where my boobs have been laid to rest without the aid of elastic, clamps and under wire. Picture a spice cake that has a powdered sugar dusting and then you remove the stencil. I laughed out loud and looked for places that the paint had settled. I am currently the proud owner of a very tan palm on my right hand, lower back, and inner left thigh (I have no idea how that happen) oh and face... my face...
All things considered I am calling this whole thing a success! Paid a few bucks, had a good laugh and walked away looking like most of me just stepped off a cruise ship. Merry Christmas!

Credit for this picture and other amazing food pics can be found at:

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